Okay so I am writing this now in hopes to save someone out there the absolute shit I have gone through, whether it be from yourself or let other people tell you that you are not worthy. You are worthy. You are amazing. You have potential and beauty.
I don't have the best track record. I have always thought of myself as second best and allowed myself be told that enough times to where I believed it...you can argue with yourself all you want but sooner or later that person that is telling you that you are worthless, gets into your head...and soon enough you start telling it to yourself. I am trying to win this battle with myself, and I don't know where I will end up. I can just hope that my journey of learning to love myself will be over, in the sense that I hope to someday feel that I am worthy, independent from anything anyone else could tell me...and that I will actually believe it. I don't know. I have a problem communicating because I am always so scared to let people in...well if no one knows that it's me, then maybe....just maybe I can be myself here, if nowhere else in my life. I am so scared of making myself vulnerable and weak. I was pushed to make myself unbreakable through years of torture at the hands of a demon...I am not sure what I am supposed to learn from this, maybe that I am where I am supposed to be? In the interest of healing, and knowing that you are not alone in anything that you do, I will share some of what the world has thrown me...all at my own hands to some degree...feeling that I wasn't worthy of someone that was better then a sociopathic menical rapist. He was the first person that told me that he loved me.
He was what I thought that I wanted from life. He was young (looking) and handsome. He was funny and charming, almost to a fault. I have worked for years to not romanticize the situation. I am just trying to convey why I was fell for him. I was so confused about what was real. What was only words and what was where my need was filling in the blanks. What was real, was that he was incredibly controlling. I mistook the controlling behavior as care, and love. See right now I am trying to talk myself out of this blog...that noone will read it, that my story isn't worth telling...that it's like every other survivor story out there. Well if it is then oh well...the negative self talk is overwhelming sometimes. I will try to keep it to a minimum. Sorry. Anyway, the reality was his hold on me was like that of the people that all killed themselves in that cult where they drank the Kool-aid with arsenic in it. His brain washing capabilities was mind blowing. He took everything from me that one person could take from the other, then all of a sudden looking back, I try to figure out when it happened...when I became so dependant on him and when everything that was important to me went to hell. When did he become the only thing in life that mattered to me. How did he talk me out of my family and my aspirations and my education. It wasn't overnight, it was over the course of years. He was so good at his game. I learned that I wasn't the first girl, but after the almost 7 years of torment, I would be his last....
